Ryan Tophat

shtang2@yahoo.com — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 00:32:35 GMT

I’ve been having a bit of a bad day. I did some thinking, and typing, and I already feel much better. I kind of liked how my written thought process went, and so I decided I’d dust off the old lj!

I’ll eventually update on the details of my life, but right now I live in Binghamton, doing research while applying to graduate schools. I’m deeply sorry that I’ve become out of touch with those of you I’ve been out of touch of. A very stressful period of my life is coming to a close, and I will make every effort to talk with you more often.

In the meanwhile, thank you all for everything.

I’ve invested so much into science, and through my passion for it, I’ve met wonderful people. I am not sure where the road ahead lies. How can I be? However. I live a life rich in love, trust, and companionship. I have almost never been disappointed or hurt by the people I care about. I am in relationship with a woman I love and respect. No one can or would look at my life and call it a failure.

There are difficulties. My boss, John, can be very aggressive and difficult to deal with. But I can learn from this, and from him. There are people, powerful, influential people, who has the exact same temperament, but will have much more affect on my life. Let him be the fire I am forged in. My fellow employees constantly seem lazy and behind. Let them be the coworkers who are always about, and who never discourage. There will be worse.

I will admit, I’ve lived a life with little to no exposure to the real world. It has loads of people who make no sense. But, in it all I’ve managed to carve out a happy life for myself, hobbies I deeply enjoy, and a coterie of friends all over the country who love me and whom I love. .

If I was asked bluntly, would you trade all of the professional success you could have for the relationships you’ve made the last year…my response would be, and is, a resounding NO. Not a second of these two years has been wasted. I’ve learned, grown up, and loved. I wrote 3 papers in various states of revision, and I am well on my way to be the first ever to characterize HIT-T15 cryopreservation. If I was not here for 2 years, I would have NEVER come up with what might just be best way ever to kill tumors. I am poised to do great things, and to live a great life. I will live a happy life filled with more love, from more people, than anyone could reasonably ask for. That is, perhaps, the best part of all.

THIS. IS. CAKETOWN!!!1!11

shtang2@yahoo.com — Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:43:03 GMT

Hey guys. I just realized that I have not posted since that last announcement of mine...except for that weird god-thing. But anyway, first of all, thank you all so much for your responses to my last real post. You guys helped me through one of the toughest times of my life.

HOWEVER. Things have actually turned out for the best. Because, you see, I am living the dream*.

I AM A SCIENTIST!!!

To elaborate**, I got a job offer at Bio-life solutions, a biotechnology company in Owego that specializes in molecular cryo-biology***. This is no ordinary job offer. I'm not going to be a lab-tech, I'm going to be a full-blown scientist. They are letting me design/implement my own projects! So far, I've presented three ideas (including one involving my aging research obsession) and they have approved ALL OF THEM for further investigation. Which is what I'm doing at this wonderful hour.

So. My current plan is to stay in bing while taking some business/biochem courses for 2 years or so, then to apply to grad school once I've made some serious accomplishments in this company. After all, if these guys are willing to let me jump right into making the stuff I've always wanted to, then so be it ;).

Again everyone, thank you.

*When in preschool, I played "mad scientist" in the sink. This is one of the only memories I have of the time-period.

**What, you think I'd just leave it at that? I could never, if only to prove that I haven't started working on making zombies as some sort of mad "I'll show YOU to not let me into grad school" scheme...ok, time to change topics before that gets more appealing.

***Basically, they are doing research involving the successful storage and transfer of biological systems. Right now, people just sort of freeze organic tissue, which destroys it pretty thoroughly. If the stuff they/we are working on works, it could revolutionize the world of medicine.

shtang2@yahoo.com — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 19:03:33 GMT

shtang2@yahoo.com — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 17:40:28 GMT

Two days ago I received word that I was not accepted into Einstein. This marks the first time I've cried in three and a half years. That was the only place where I got an interview. I'm going to be spending the next few days trying to figure out what I'm doing with the next year.

I am ashamed, and I feel like I have failed. But, if you are reading this, you are a dear friend interested in what is going on with my life. This is a big event, not posting it in my journal would feel like hiding it.

If any of you in know of any good biotech companies I could apply to work for, or any good masters programs, please feel free to let me know.

I wish there was more to say.

THIS semester

shtang2@yahoo.com — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 11:12:22 GMT

OK, time to get this thing up to speed. THIS semester, things are much better (in terms of stress) than last semester. However, I'm feeling a little burnt out. I didn't really have a vacation, rather, I just sped up the pace of my labwork. Now, I am doing more of this work, on top of several superfulous academic activities.

To list: I am doing my labwork, TAing molecular genetics, taking developmental biology, and I am taking Physics2 non calc based (which is apparently code for retard land).

NOW! Without the labwork, all of the above would be like delicious, delicious pie* filled with sleep. However, labwork demands a great deal of my time. For instance, I'm writing this little number while I'm on break from doing some labwork**. The issue, I suppose, is that I will probably not get a paper out of all of the work that I've done. Now, this is to be expected, as I've been given a project the likes of which doctoral students get, and I've had to re-tool sevral steps of the procedure. Alot of solid work, and sevral opportunities to improve on the origional methods. I just want MORE, you know?

Other than that...hmmm...

It looks like I may well be going to Einstein college (in New York city) assuming I get in there. I've heard no from 2 schools, and I have heard nothing from UCSD, although their graduate admissions fellow said that they allready sent out the invites. This dosen't suprise me, I picked schools that usually draw from pools of professionals and/or ivy's. That I have a chance at one is fantastic. Einstein has an amazing research program, and I'll get to start on my research goals as soon as I get there. Also, I happen to love New York City, so this should work out well.

So: I'm tired, I have nothing even resembling a love life, the lab project I've been working on for well on a year or two which may very well not produce any results during my stay at binghamton, and I've been rejected from all but one of my grad school choices.

HOWEVER. Things are awesome. I have work that I'm honestly proud of (though it's little more than a series of charts*** right now). I'm single, which is a nice change of pace. I may very well have a SALARY soon, and projects I like even more than the ones I have now. Also, I'm pretty at peace with myself...I've taken many of my bad, manipulative habbits and thrown them out the window. I feel a bit grown up, and things are turning out how I've always kind of hoped they would.

*Fun fact: Leamon merangue is my favorite kind of pie

**Consider if you will, the time this was written

***Those charts, by the way, are stuck on a computer whose moniter is the VERY VESSEL used by gremlins to enter our world and destroy important electronic devices. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found it. I know, because short of being able to blame this on some JERK with a glorified remote, I don't have any explination for a moniter that turns off only when I use it and no one else is around.

Elephants do the happy dance when given peanuts

shtang2@yahoo.com — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 21:15:12 GMT

I have been invited to an interview an Einstein*.

That is all. I am going to continue to have a nice normal day, then go home and dance**.

*Einstein is a graduate research facility of AMAZING quality that has a crapload of research that I want. If I go there, my graduate schooling will be free AND I will get a yearly salary of about 25,000$

**Have you ever seen an elephant do the happy? Yea. Let's just say there might not be a "Ryan's apartment" after tonight.

Jam kicks ass

shtang2@yahoo.com — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 12:31:04 GMT

Rasberry jam sandwiches are DELIGHTFUL.

That is all*.

Ryan

*Well, it acts as an excellent metaphor for what's up. Normally, you have peanut butter and jelly, which makes for a delicious treat. I've taken away something from the sandwich, peanut butter (that for the time being represents the semblance of a normal schedule). All I have LEFT is the jam sandwich, that cooky thing that your mom never let you ate when you were little because they wanted you to have protein. The JAM is a schedule where I work all the time, and every once and a while play a computer game (Dominions 3 AKA spreadsheet armchair commander) while watching adult swim on my labtop :). Man, jam kicks ASS.

Proving once again that I am a jerk ;)

shtang2@yahoo.com — Tue, 09 Jan 2007 01:57:56 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|	16%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|	16%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|	10%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Peter pan complex	\|\|	10%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|	10%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|	16%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Yahoo! Birthday!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Sun, 24 Dec 2006 15:05:21 GMT

Heya! So, on the 23rd, I had my birthday*. So here's a thought! Anyone who reads me this can ask me a question about, well, just about anything. And if it's in my power, I'll answer and be totally honest. Happy holidays everyone! :)

Ryan

*Which, for all those concerned, turned out to be alot of fun.

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 20:50:36 GMT

Oh, that's right, I remember now.

This semester was a fucking CHUMP

Essay break!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 17:21:49 GMT

You scored as Beast. Beast is an intelligent, politcal spokesman for the X-Men. He has a Ph.D in Genetics and is well versed in literature. He may look like a blue fuzzy monster, but deep down he's very benevolent and logical. Powers: Enhanced strength and agility

</td>

Beast

95%

Rogue

85%

Cyclops

80%

Jean Grey

80%

Wolverine

70%

Emma Frost

70%

Colossus

65%

Iceman

55%

Nightcrawler

50%

Storm

40%

Gambit

30%

Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Pleasent conversations

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 15 Dec 2006 05:31:23 GMT

It's gratifying when you tell people at graduate admissions for research institutions about your schedule, and their first response is "are you ok?"*. In the style of jerk authors, NOW I'll explain the begining of the story. Honestly, it's like I put the end of the bloody saga at the begining, making the rest of this post rather irrelevent. However, I'll boldly press on! Out of paranoia, I decided to call some of the schools I'm applying to, to check and see if they got my transcripts and GRE scores. Of course, being brilliant, I did this post deadline; thus setting myself up for a dramatic crash.

Thankfully, this didn't happen. Instead I had some very pleasent conversations** with heads of admissions from Rockefeller and Einstein. These institutions have AMAZING research. They don't even have undergraduate institutions. They are just high class research institutions, also, they are amazing. Did I mention competetive?

So, I decided to test the waters and tell them a bit about myself. To my suprise, they were receptive! They loved my research experiance and massive number of science credits. Also, I think they appreciated that I was speaking to them, as opposed to yelling at them or crying***. All the same, it was nice, and made me feel a bit relaxed about this whole process.

Ok guys and gals, only a little more work, and I can put this semester behind me. Honestly; this has been a LONG semester, but at the same time it's a blur. But discussions of time are not what this post is about. This post is about me feeling a bit more like a person. And****, well, I am!

I think that when this is all said and done, I'm gonna get some ice cream. Ice cream is delicious.

Ryan

*This was followed by statements such as "don't burn yourself out" and "did you put that in your letter of intent?"

**And you thought I wasen't going to throw the title in there

***Being an admissions administrator is tough. You have no controll over who actually gets accepted, and you have to enforce deadlines administered by the powers that be. On top of that, you have to deal with the violent creatures called "graduate applicants"; each of which is CONVINCED that they should get accepted, and that the administrator is personally responsible for ruining their future careers.

****I used AND to start a sentance! Take THAT english teachers!

Look at the platypus. It's either proof that evolution dosen't know what it is doing, or a desperate cry for help. I know that we have been going to war with abstract concepts like terror and corruption recently...but do you think we should hold an intervention for evolution?

I forgot my keys at home. Thusly, I write!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 08:07:12 GMT

*dusts off the old lj account*

Ahem.

Hey guys! I exist! So yea, these last two years or so have been sort of nuts. Part of why I haven't posted has been because things have been too crazy. I've never felt like I could sit down and write something meaningful. However, I'm on the cusp of some pretty major change, so I figure I should. I wound up dating a girl named Angela for, surprise, nine months. It was nice, but eventually, it started to go downhill, and so before this semester began I called it off*. My research has been going very well, but I've been given a project that's more in-depth than what the PhD student in my lab is working on, so I don't know if I can finish it. But I'll make an AWESOME dent.

I'm applying to grad school now, and it's scary. I've never had the highest self-esteem in the world, especially about my academics. All of the schools I'm applying to are very competitive, so, I'm a bit worried. HOWEVER, this is not to say I'm anything sort of excited-as-hell. I'm stoked about each one of my grad school choices, so no matter who winds up accepting me, I'll be happy as a clam**.

By the way, I'm sorry for being so out of touch with everyone. I haven't really had much time for anything, with my work and all. However, NEXT semester will be better, I think. Also: It looks like I'll have this summer to myself, which is going to be AWESOME. Not the winter though, this winter I'll probably be doing...you guessed it...wild, sexy parties***!

So let's see. I'm single, I've been working more hours a week than I care to think about, the future is uncertain as hell, and I'm happy. Yea, that's about it right now.

Ryan

*That's the short version. The longer version involves a displaced cat, a suitcase, and a trip to california.

**Without a starfish on it. I mean, come on, would YOU be happy if your house was being ripped open by something that uses its stomach as a projectile?

***By which of course, I mean doing lab work

Wishing on a star is like asking a really big fireplace, powered by fusion, to mow your lawn.

I got nothen :)

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 08 Apr 2005 18:12:36 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Mystical	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Artistic	\|\|	10%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|	16%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Food indulgent	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|	10%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Ya heard?

A Quiz!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Wed, 21 Jan 2004 14:37:01 GMT

You have wings of STEEL. No one's really
sure why, but at this point in your life you've
shut off emotion to the point of extreme
apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of
the time...or perhaps you're just a good
pretender. Next to impossible to get close to,
even those who do never see the real you. It's
entirely possible that YOU don't even know the
real you. You have a certain fascination or
attraction to destruction on a massive scale -
disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of
the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much
inside, one day you're simply going to snap.
Then the mask will fall away, and your true
wings will be revealed. Until then you will
deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter
silence and acceptance. On the positive side,
you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not
much can crack through your defenses. You
intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why
you're the way you are. A loner and one who
spends much of their time brooding and
contemplating life and death - you are a time
bomb waiting to explode and create some
destruction of your own.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Booyah.

It's been a while

shtang2@yahoo.com — Thu, 08 Jan 2004 22:56:43 GMT

It's been a long time since I have posted last. Much has happened this semester and break. I was in Hello Dolly, and this took up much of my free time. All of you know how much the show bothered me, and how much time it took up. So I'm not going to let it take up any more of my time here. I've met some wonderful people, and I've become closer with many good friends of mine.

I guess I don't write in here often, because I don't really know what to say. Today, I was looking over the journal, and I decided that I should update you all. I had a relationship during last semester...it was nice, but has since ended. I am still, thankfully, good friends with Carolyn. I think I've grown alot since this semester began. I broke up with Carolyn, and not because of anything she had done, but for personal reasons...and it was very hard. A few years ago, I would have been incapable of it, the idea of causing pain isn't exactly pleasent for me. But I did it, and she is all right, and so am I. To be honest, it's one of the first times that I've ever hurt someone like that. I tell people all the time that sometimes you need to cause some pain in order to avoid causing alot later...but it was very hard to follow my own advice. Carolyn...thank you for being so understanding. That you still are my friend, that you have forgiven me...it means more than I can say. So thank you.

I've learned a good deal about myself as well. I'm afraid of rejection, and sometimes it influences what I do. This is somthing I really dislike about myself. I spent much of my early life being rejected, and part of that fear stick with me even today. It makes me do some cowardly things, and it sometimes makes me a bit paranoid. I've done what I can to try and deal with this problem...and so far I think I've successful, though I have much more to do, so bear with me :).

My friends, as always have been really supportive of me. When I first got home, I was really sad for a while, because I realized that I had not been home for any length of time for almost a year. I felt like a stranger in my home and neighborhood. Some social circles had fallen appart, and everyone just felt far away. That later changed thankfully, and my friends made me feel right at home...but it is still wierd, because as time goes on, this place will not be what I call home. I guess I just hate seeing things end.

Another interesting time for me was New Year's. I went to Long Island for a party, and I really had a wonderful time meeting a bunch of strangers. I mingled and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Not to mention I ate one of the greatest burgers I have ever had in Long Island. But more importantly, being there made me realize how important trust is to me. It's been very strange, having someone call me a friend, and someone she cares for...but then having her not trust me. It made me realize how important trust is...I mean sure, it gets you hurt sometimes, but without trust, in the end, there is nothing between you and other people. (Disclaimer, this is my opinion. I personally need a degree of trust in my relationships in order to feel comfertable. Not everyone needs this, but hey, I'm not everyone.) When I got back, I felt really strange. Some dear friends let me know how they felt, and showed me how much they respected and trusted me...and it helped a great deal. Thanks guys :).

On a lighter note, I have held a few parties, and many of my friends here are actually going to Bing, which rocks. Also, I visited Carmel High School, and was well received by teachers, as well as those who still remember me and who are students :). One person espicially made me feel welcomed. I've missed her a great deal, and have only spoken to her online for a long time...it was really nice speaking to her in person for a change. I also may hang out with her soon! :). Also, HOPEFULLY I will get to meet up with Kathy before I go back to school. She is going to be a schoolteacher soon. Even though she was a senior in HS when I was a freshman, and graduated a long time ago, I've become closer and closer to her as time has gone by. Even though she is a workaholic, she's always been a great friend.

And Finially, Meg. I can't say enough nice things about you, and I'm really really thankful that we have kept in touch, even though I'm a bastard :). Thanks for letting me rant to you from time to time. Even though I miss having you around, I'm really glad that you are applying to schools and that you haven't given up on things. You have been a great influence on my life, and you will never be forgotten.

So yea, this half-year has been hard, but nice. It's made me appreciate my friends lot more, and it made me realize that I need to have more faith in people. I'm going to try and be less of a pushy, insecure person if I can help it. My friends, you are all amazing, and I'm lucky to have you all. Thanks for reading.

Your friendly neighborhood evil conscience

Back to school

shtang2@yahoo.com — Thu, 28 Aug 2003 16:25:55 GMT

WOOOOOO! I am better, AND I will be going back to school soon! So yea, it's a pretty exciting thing. There is, of course, a downside though. And that is that I didn't get to see my friends in Carmel for HALF as long as I would like. Ah well, I won't make that mistake again. So yea...let's see...school should be interesting. I have plenty of classes, and unless I am lucky I will have an 8:30 every day :(...But on the upside the classes seem to kick ass. I'm taking a plagues and culture class...given it's early...but COME ON. That screams sweetness. Ok...so what else is up...well, things should be wierd without Meg, but she should be visiting plenty. Which is, of course, good. I've become closer with my dear anime and roleplaying folk during the summer, and it should be great to see them, and then there are those in my hall, my missed neighbors :). Hehe, the tophat will be worn again! See you all soon!

Signing out!

BLARGIDY-BLARG!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Fri, 25 Jul 2003 23:13:54 GMT

Well dam it. Remember about a week and a half ago? Yea, that day I wrote the entry saying my piece about the last relationship. Well, guess what, there's a reason that I haven't posted or contacted many people...and that is that I have had appendecitus! YAY! .....god. Funny part is, it started on that very monday. That night, I went out and had some great seafood. But when I got back, I wasen't feeling so good. That night, I throw up twice, but hey, we figure it was bad food. Of course, I was bedridden the next day in a good portion of pain...so what do we think it is? Food poisioning. Ha. So the next day the pain is less, and in a much smaller area, so I figure I'm working the stuff through my system. Which is good. (PS I talked to the folks and everyone in my house, and no one suspected my pain's true cause). So I figure, why not help the process along by going for a nice long walk, and getting a nice juice? That would be good, as I ate like NOTHING the day before. So I go on my walk, which was far from easy to do. I was just tired and weak feeling, and in a bit of pain. When I make it back...my god...Before today (this will be explained), I would say I never felt so much pain in my entire life. So I told my sis to get grandma to take me to the ER, they do a few tests, and low and behold...I have appendicitus. Man...that pain medication was GREAT ;). So they put the needle in my arm after asking me the same goddam "are you allregic to any medications and do you lead a good life" questions like TWENTY times, and then there's a gas mask on my face. I am in the same hallway, next to the same guy...but there's a dam gas mask on my face! So, of course, I ask for it to be removed so I can breathe properly. This is when I am informed that my appendix, or what was left of it, was removed. Seems the dam thing burst. Of course, my fat took the proverbial bullet for me by wrapping around the offending organ (Fat! YAY!). Then came the hospital stay, which lasted about 5 days. It was uneventful, there were absolutly NO hot nurses (*cries*), and I was glad to leave. Well, I got home, and things were getting good, you know, I was healing and all that rot...when one morning, I started to leak. Not from the eyes so much as from one of my wounds, which had looked to be recovering. Leaking a liquid of not quite blood color being disturbing as it is, we called my doctor and he set up an appointment, which we went to. Little did I know what I was in for. So I go in, explain what has been going on, quite confidant that he would say "oh of course, quite normal" or "your body's doing fine on it's own" (as it seemed to be, the red spot around the wound was getting much smaller). No no, the surgon wanted a good look. So he grabbed some sharp looking metal things and went to work before I knew what hit me! Next thing I know my world is pain as he snips stiches inside my unhealthy wound and procures the use of tweaser and scalpal to "widen" my wound, talking quite plesently the whole time. It is very disconcerting to ask how long you have been on vacation while feeling cold metal tear at your flesh. Then he stuffed about a foot of gauze into the wound and proclaimed that I would get it replaced twice a day for 5 days, and go on more antibiotics...woo for me. Well, that's enough typing for now, here's the story as I have undergone it, minus the booring ceiling-stareing sessions.

Ryan, signing out :)

When things change

shtang2@yahoo.com — Mon, 14 Jul 2003 00:11:43 GMT

I am sorry, it has been a while since my last update. But, in all honesty, there has been little to say and little time to say it in. But now there has been a change in my routene, and I figured that I might as well say my piece. I have enjoyed nine months with Megan as my girlfriend and partner. She has been one of my great joys, and one of my constants. She was someone I could share my deepest thoughts with, and with her I could unwind a little. This is not to say things were perfect, far from it. We had fights, I made her cry, she made me cry. I got her angry, and suprisingly, she got me angry. But I am as glad for the bad as I am for the good, because I had never had to deal with someone on that level before, and it was wonderful in it's own way. We had a great level of comfort with each other. Yesterday, Megan and I broke up. I won't go into the details, because they are not mine to tell. The short version was that she wanted some time apart, and the reasons she gave me were reasons that I could not deny. Once they were brought to my attention, I felt foolish for not seeing them myself. Part of me wanted to ask her to stay, to work things out, to fight for her, but I knew that would be wrong of me, and selfish. I have loved, and I have been loved in return. I have shared part of my life with one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Even if I never go out with her again, I will do all I can to hold on to her company untill the day I die. What can I say, she makes a kickass friend. My only regret is that in my arrogance, I thought that I could help her unaided, and that I was too blinded by desire to help to see what I was doing. I would write of other things now, but I am out of time. Stay tuned :).

Ryan

After a long absence...

shtang2@yahoo.com — Sun, 15 Jun 2003 16:10:58 GMT

Well, here I am. Woods Hole after one day of being home. It's been quite a few weeks already. At first, being here got very depressing. I mean, if this trend continued, I would be seeing allot less of my friends at home. Not to mention, I am not overly fond of the relatives I am living with. So down I went into my own little world. I began to read, and play computer games...alot. After getting internet, things got a bit better, but this has made me realize something about myself. Just as I don't like silence, I don't like solitude. I have always surrounded myself with wonderful people, and now for the first time in a long time, I was alone. But once I got the internet again, things were about as good. (There was a little fiasco where I had to wait over a week for my internet phone line... man that did not make me a happy Ryan). So here I am, making gobs of money and contacts, but missing those I care about. Ah well, I know I will see everyone again. So, yea. All said and done, my last semester was dificult, but worth it. I had alot of fun even in the midst of personal issues. I also did dam well in my classes. I didn't get A's except in my theater class...but with 2 300 level science classes...I think admissions of wherever I want to go to grad school will be understanding ;). Hehe...man...college next semester will be so much fun! I can barely describe how exciting it is. I will not have many tests. Repeat, I will not have many tests!!! It's all gonna be papers, presentations, and a few math tests. In other words, I can pretend to be smart! WOOOOOO! Not to mention I miss everyone at Bing...and yes, I even miss the place, bad weather and all ;). Well, not bad for ME. OHHHH! I have decided to undertake a quest. When I am done writing this, I am going to look online for the Hellsing coat. I am certain that it is somewhere (and if it isn't, I am related to someone who knows someone who could probably MAKE it...heh heh), and I figure this money is burning a hole in my pocket. So, yes, I am going to try and get this thing. TRY mind you. I may fail...in fact I probably will. But hey, it's never stopped me before :).

Ok...let's see...what else? Well, I've got a huge amount of reading done, which kicks ass. Oh yea, I saw Megan and some of my other dear friends last weekend. It was wonderful, not only to get out of the house, but to see people I miss so terribly. My only regret is that my time was so short. BUT, my job is flexible, so it should be easy to ask for a week off for...*cough* family reasons *cough*. Well, anyway, I have done enough blathering for one day, and my being sick bit is not yet up, so I am gonna get some sleep. So with that...keep reading, I will update more I swear.

Another day

shtang2@yahoo.com — Sat, 26 Apr 2003 06:36:51 GMT

*laughs* Well, another day. One day, I am going to figure out how to manage to pay attention to my friends, studies, and girlfriend all at the same time, I swear! Of course, it may take some tweaking, of the creation of 30 hour days, but it will be done. Ugh, today there was a rapping group on campus. They tried so hard to make an unresponsive audience responsive...god...it made ME feeling embarrassed, and I was a good distance away, playing frisbee! *cries* It wasn't bad enough they did the "When I say this, all you better say that!" "This!" "...*the sound of silence*". No no no, they tried it THREE MORE TIMES! And then they did a series of other moronic things that involved (my personal favorite) a "sound wave". Which is like the wave, but instead of people raising their arms, they are supposed to shout when the talented rapper guy waves his hand. Guess what happens when the genius waves his hand? Yep, nothing. It was aweful...Oh well, let's see...Well, I haven't been doing much studying rescently...but I will have to this weekend. It's all of this social nonsense, plus, I have a really good feeling for the material that we have been learning. As in there isn't allot of it. I only have one test next week, on thursday, so I should be fine. On the plus side, most people I have talked to today have been quite happy. I am worried about Ang though, she is a sweet girl who really deserves happiness, but is battling some stress and depression...I guess that I hate my inability to do more. I get this way whenever people get upset, especially people I care about. I mean, take Megan. I love her so much, and sometimes she gets really sad or depressed. And sometimes there is nothing I can do, which sucks. Also, I have met so many wonderful people, and now the semester is ending. The thing that really breaks my heart though is that Hillary will be leaving. I like that girl allot, and I just am saddened that she will be graduating on the ass end of my entering this social circle. Ah well, with luck she will wind up being like Kathy, who I barely knew my freshman year of high school, but we became closer and closer over time after she graduated that very year! I guess I just hate to see things end, in general. Ah well, I have spoken too much already, goodnight all.

Another post! YAY!

shtang2@yahoo.com — Mon, 21 Apr 2003 07:00:12 GMT

Well, tomorow I go back to school, yay! It's been a nice break. I didn't get alot of work done, but I had the opportunity to hang out with some good friends, and dig a ditch! YAY! There's really nothing like hacking at somthing with a bladed instrument untill it is no longer a hassle. And by somthing, I mean tree root...not bothersome fleshies..ok, to change the topic to things that WON'T land me in jail. Except I am not sure what to say. Ah! In the spirit of what was easter yesterday, happy easter to all of you...I got no candy *cries*. I am chocolate-less, but perhaps tomorow I will get some! (And by perhaps I mean as god as my witness, I don't care if I have to buy it tomorow, I WILL have my fix).

Ryan

Well. I am begining.

shtang2@yahoo.com — Sun, 20 Apr 2003 05:47:27 GMT

I'm really happy with my life right now. I am living a life that I never thought that I could one day lead. It's not really my fault, either. I mean, sure, I worked hard to get into Bing, and I am working my ass off to not totally screw up my 300 level classes. But, to be absolutely honest I have been blessed with wonderful companions. Meg, first and foremost, if I have been blessed with anyone, I have been blessed with you. When it comes right down to it, you have given me more that I ever dreamed I would receive in this life. Then there is Adam, who I have known since we played together in the same crib. Were I to name everyone who has helped me along my life, I would not be getting any sleep tonight. Before going to college, though, I must say I was at once excited and afraid. I was going to meet new people, but I didn't know if I could find any whose company I could greatly enjoy...I was certainly wrong. I found Ira, Joe, Michelle, Raph, and my roommate (not to mention my gf.) right off the bat. They made my first semester wonderful (instead of crappy, as I hear many first semesters go). Now, I have meet the gaming table, and they welcomed me with open arms. My only regret is that they will graduate before me, so my time with them is shortened. I love all of them dearly though, and I feel really lucky to have met them. PS Ang, thank you very much for showing me this site. You kick ass on many levels, and you have been a wonderful friend.

Ok, so now that the much-fest is done, let's get to bitching! Well, I am worried, because I have a whole lot of work to do. The problem is that I am not as smart as people seem to think I am, and this means I need to study more than the average bear to do well in my classes. AND I have four tests next month...As in the first half of next month...and two of them are finals. Ah well, if life were easy, it would be boring! I figure as long as I keep telling myself that, the auditory hallucinations will go away...

Love and peace,
Ryan

(PS I love trigun, and wolfwood is sexy.)
(PPS, Mojo, you kick a great deal of ass and I treasure you as a friend and a non-potential stabber of me :) )

What kind of God are you?
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
You earthly time was spent	Supplanting kingdoms, punishing tyrants and levelling the empires of the wicked with the breath of your nostrils
Your throne is	A towering onyx chair, reflecting perpetual moonlight, adorned with the skulls of the vanquished
You wear	Golden, breathtaking robes, girded in the middle with silver chains
Your Godly superpower is	Rivers of white-hot magma flowing from your eyes, slowly and mercilessly agonizing those who stand in your way and your fallen playthings. Forever.

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